Chapter Eight

 Moms, Dads, Biases and Stereotypes

             It can happen in a thousand different ways, girls getting the picture that something is different for them, that, when all is said and done, they do not matter as much as boys. “I became a feminist at six,” one of my colleagues told me. It was Christmas.  She had received a doll while her five-year-old brother had gotten a tricycle. “I liked dolls. It wasn’t that,” she said. “But I remember watching my brother while he careened freely around the neighborhood while I stood there clutching my doll. And I thought:  This is not right.

             Another friend told me she became a feminist when she went down to the basement with her grandfather and her younger brother to look at a riding saddle. She watched while her brother sat on it, then stepped forward to take her turn. “You can’t get on it,” her grandfather said, “It’s for boys.” She recalls going back upstairs where she sat on the couch with her mother, smoldering. “I knew it wasn’t OK.” She was seven.

         No parents set out to saddle their children with limiting gender stereotypes, nor can one point to a deliberate cultural plot that discriminates against girls. But stereotypes are formed in the subtlest of ways, and many of them persist in rendering girls and women as second-class citizens – on Christmas, at a family gathering, in countless media images that inform our attitudes towards them.[i] Isabel Allende remembers being told she had to sit with her legs crossed as a girl of six or seven. No! she remembers thinking. “This is not right.”

             There is substantial evidence that boys and girls are more alike than they are different.[ii] Still, by the time they are four years old, children are infected by powerful gender stereotypes that dictate whom they will spend time with, the games they will play or avoid, and the expectations about who they are and what they can become. These stereotypes are communicated from all of us, parents and teachers alike. Inheriting these gender-based beliefs during our own childhoods, we hand them down like heirlooms, passing on a decidedly different set of expectations for our daughters than for our sons.

             The most difficult aspect of dealing with gender biases is their transparency. They are woven so deeply into our cultural fabric that they’ve become almost invisible. Like powerful art, gender bias lives in details, embedded in our most ordinary interactions with our children: the words we use, the toys we give (or don’t give) them to play with, the colors we dress them in, the pictures we hang on their walls, the games we encourage them to play, the adult roles we model before them. And, like powerful art, these biases stir the unconscious of our children and alter the way they will think about themselves and their possibilities. Many children are harmed by gender stereotypes, boys as well as girls.[iii] But if no one wants gender bias to be perpetuated, then how does it happen? 

Channeling

            Much of our bias comes through what is called cultural “channeling,”  pointing boys towards activities and attitudes that encourage independence, exploration and problem-solving, while generally limiting girls to interpersonal and nurturing behaviors. Such a narrowing of expectations harms them both, leaving boys poorly equipped for interpersonal relations, while placing girls at a disadvantage in the problem solving and self-reliant behaviors that the working world values.[iv]

            Gender channeling may begin even before birth. Some studies have found that pregnant mothers often believe that an active fetus is a boy, and a passive one is a girl. The cultural slant towards things male starts early: one study found that prospective parents more often wished for a son than for a daughter,[v] while another documented that three times as many mothers of boys said they were overjoyed with the sex of their newborn, as compared with mothers of girls.[vi]

             Even the most enlightened parents betray sexist attitudes in their child-rearing. When adults in one study were given infants to hold, they would jostle the ones dressed in blue more often than those in pink, even though the coloring of the blankets had nothing to do with the sex of the infant, reinforcing the notion that boys should be active, girls passive.[vii] Told that an infant was a boy, a majority of mothers in another study picked out a hammer from a pile of toys to give it; told later that the same infant was a girl, the mothers chose a doll, defining play boundaries for their infants long before the infants themselves could have had any conscious knowledge of gender. In fact, when the infants were left alone in front of the same piles of “gendered” toys, they picked them at random.[viii]

             As parents even in these enlightened times, we continue to raise boys and girls in very different environments. We decorate their rooms differently, buy them different colors of clothes, give them different kinds of toys, encourage different forms of play, and, as a result, send them different messages at a very young age. [ix] And we are encouraged to do so at every turn by a toy industry that finds it far more lucrative to keep their products gendered, so that parents will feel compelled to buy their boy a blue tricycle and a girl a pink one.

 Common Gender Stereotypes

             Some of our more common gender stereotypes include the following:

 ° Parents allow their sons more physical freedom than their daughters. They routinely encourage boys to develop a fuller sense of autonomy. Daughters are taught that they are more physically fragile than boys (though girl infants are actually sturdier). 

° Adults encourage girls to develop the skills of cooperation and nurturance (fine), but discourage boys from developing the same qualities out of fear that they might be labeled girlish. One study found that parents praised young girls playing with dolls very differently than they did boys of the same age. While parents of the daughters suggested that the girls were training to become mothers, the parents of the boys did not suggest that their children might be training to become fathers. In fact, many laced their remarks unconsciously with the concern that the boys not become girlish.[xi]

 ° Most adults believe boys to be more aggressive than girls, while they view girls as more communicative. But studies of very young infants refute this. One study videotaped nine-month-old infants at play with each other and found no gender differences in the number of their aggressive acts, and no difference in their attempts to communicate with adults.[xii] One year later, though, after parental influence had time to make itself felt, a study of the same toddlers found that the boys had retained the same level of physically assertive acts as before, while the girls’ level of these acts had dropped.[xiii] 

° Girls are allowed greater cross-gender expression than boys. A boyish girl may be called, at worst, a “tomboy” which carries little opprobrium these days. But a girlish boy seems to set off deep-seated anxieties in adults and children. Effeminate boys still struggle with adult disapproval and serious peer harassment from their earliest days.

° Four-year-old children view the terms “boy” and “girl” as opposite terms. This is most probably a result of their “instruction” in gendered behavior.

    Children’s Stereotypes  –

We are What We Play 

            By the time children enter elementary school they have formed clear ideas about gender. Research shows that both boys and girls work at trying to conform to what the culture seems to expect of them. In preschool, boys and girls still mix somewhat freely in their play groups, but by the primary grades both genders strongly prefer play groups that are sex-segregated.[xiv] The types of games boys and girls typically play are markedly gendered, as well as the kinds of toys they are encouraged to use.  These choices tend to develop somewhat different personality characteristcs by gender. For instance, girls tend to play with a narrower range of toys and games than boys do, and their choices produce demonstrable consequences. For instance, it’s been found that the kinds of toys and games that girls typically favor tend to:

             ° foster small muscle skills;

° require little practice, repetition or competition (compared to boys’ games);

° represent domestic, nurturant and altruistic themes (dolls, nurse           kits);

° emphasize narcissistic traits (make-up kits, Barbie sets);

° and rarely emphasize science, technology, construction or conceptualizing.[xv] 

            As a result of her game and toy selections, the typical girl may develop a narrower repertoire of interests than her typical male counterpart, and her sense of self may become defined more by her physical appearance and the opinions of others than by her actual accomplishments (as are boys’). Girls’ less frequent experience with technically-based toys (Legos, Science Kits, blocks) may contribue to a lower self-confidence than boys in science and technology.[xvii] Boy’s games tend to develop more problem-solving skills and involve more goal-oriented behavior. This early conditioning may place girls at a disadvantage to boys in developing the problem-solving and goal-setting qualities that are valued so highly in today’s technological workplace. And it may also inhibit their self-confidence in exploring new experiences.

             On the other hand, boys’ socialization often places them at a disadvantage to girls in the relational and communication skills so critical to self-awareness and interpersonal relations. This may put boys’ emotional lives at risk, and may inhibit their development as fathers and husbands.

             For both girls and boys, the ideal seems to be striking some kind of balance in the kinds of toys to provide them, and the games you encourage them to play. Parents should press their daughters towards more of a balance between the two domains of connection and achievement, helping them towards greater independence, self-reliance, and a familiarity with the technical, while allowing them the full expression of their nurturing and relational needs.

 Is Your Home Bias-Free?

             Now that you have some idea of the nature of gender stereotyping, you should make an assessment of your attitudes and practices. Ask yourself some fundamental questions about how you think about boys and girls, and compare your attitudes to each of them. Here are some guidelines:

 Examining Your Biases 

° Do you praise your daughter for what she does, as well as for how she looks? It is hard not to comment on a girl’s looks. “Oh, look at those curls! What a pretty dress.” It seems so  natural. It would be unforgivable if, in a mistaken spurt of gender correctness, you stopped telling your daughter that she looked nice. But balance your comments so that you don’t give her the subtle message that it’s her looks that matter most. Find ways to remind her how well she does something, even if it’s only setting the table, mowing the lawn, picking up her room, or tapping out a few notes on the piano.

 ° Do the books you get for your children include girls and women as main characters? Do you use nursery rhymes which perpetuate sexist language? You may need to do some of your own research here to find a staple of good books for your daughter. And don’t be diffident about making changes in stories when you feel the need. See Sources and Resources in the back for lists of many appropriate books. 

 ° Does your daughter see her father doing housework?  If you are a single parent, do you let her see you in nontraditional activities, a mom fixing a sink, a dad changing diapers? Do you split household chores by gender? It is crucial that your daughter learn that skills are simply skills, with no gender base. This is especially important if there are boys in the family. Segregation of chores can make boys disdainful of “women’s work” while it deprives them of housekeeping skills they will need as adults. 

° Do you play with Legos with your daughter or use an erector set, as well as playing house or with dolls? Remember, you’re trying to strike a balance. As a mother who grew up on dolls, you may have to stretch yourself to get involved with the Legos or Tinker Toys. But getting down on the floor with your four- or five-year-old daughter and building something instructs her in a useful and entertaining skill. More importantly, it embeds within her the sense that girls can do these things and enjoy them. It’s just as important for a father to spend time with his daughter playing dolls, or house. As a father, you may feel awkward playing with your daughter’s dolls. Loosen up! Try to keep your daughter’s sense of possibility broad and flexible. 

° Do you let your daughter get reasonably dirty? A student in one of my parents’ gender classes wrote that she had long wanted her seven-year-old daughter to be adventurous, especially in the outdoors. But her own obsession with cleanliness, inherited from her own mother, was getting in her daughter’s way. She rightly felt that parenting her daughter had to begin with examining some of her own attitudes.

 ° Do you encourage your daughter’s independence and responsible risk-taking? See Chapter Seven for suggestions on how to do this.

 ° Do you have the same expectations for your daughter’s math and science abilities as you would for a son’s? Can you think of her as a scientist or technician, someone who is good with her hands, a fixer-upper? With stereotypes, the wish is very much the father (!) to the thought. Think of your daughter as a potential rocket scientist or brain surgeon, and your attitude will convey to her the possibility. Make sure she has access to a computer.

 ° Do you talk to your daughter about gender stereotypes and how they limit human potential? As she nears adolescence, this may become crucial. Prepare your daughter for when she experiences gender bias (she may well have already). Point out several key points:

 ° Gender bias is cultural and historical, not personal. If she experiences bias, it does not mean that she is inadequate. 

° Bias affects boys, too, though in different ways.

 ° Things are better for girls and women now than they ever have been, and will continue to get better as more girls grow up strong and confident.

 ° Human history is full of ignorance and injustice. See the Chapters Ten and Eleven for suggestions on giving your daughter a new and empowering perspective on women’s place in history.

 ° Do you think of your daughter as a potential athlete? Again, your own thinking may affect her sense of possibilities. If you are not athletic yourself, don’t project your attitudes on her. Give her every encouragement to get involved in sports (see Chapter Six). They are simply too valuable for building girls’ self-confidence and other important life skills to overlook. This is especially critical for parents of gifted girls who often overlook their daughters’ physical and athletic development.

 Breaking Down Stereotyping

             Along with examining your own gender attitudes, you can develop healthy gender attitudes in your daughter. Here are a few suggestions for how you can break down the stereotypes that seem to slip into our homes (and our childrens’ minds) as though they were in the drinking water. You may be dealing with attitudes that are many years old, so don’t expect your biases simply to vanish into the air now that you have some understanding of them. But the more you work with these suggestions, the more bias you’re liable to uncover.

 Language is an important carrier of the gender “virus.”

 ° Watch the words you use. Using the word man to mean only “man” and not all humans is important. You can use “human” for “man,” and “humankind” for mankind. It may feel a little forced, but these are the subtle ways in which we can begin to bring down the wall of male-centered culture so that it becomes human-centered.

 Find out what your daughter thinks of boys.

 ° Ask her how her life would be different if she had been born a boy. Make a game of it. Have her write down (or dictate to you) her answer. Use her answers as a starting point for discussion. Be prepared to be surprised by her responses. She may be deeply gendered in her thinking already. 

° In fact, you may not be able to dissuade her that girls cannot do many things that boys can. But you can at least disrupt the unconscious nature of her bias. Studies show that just one caring adult who challenges the culture’s stereotyped versions of femininity can help a girl break the cycle of accepting her second-class status.

 Support your daughter’s interests and talents. 

° Do not support only those interests you think are appropriate for her gender. And be careful not to encourage only those interests she thinks she is restricted to.

 ° Have high expectations for your daughter. Research shows that girls more than boys respond to parents’ expectations and aspirations for them.

 Encourage your daughter’s interests in athletics, dance, or movement.

         ° Studies show that girls have a strong desire to play sports. Remember that participation in high-school athletics is a predictor of high self-esteem. In order to compete in sports like soccer, basketball, or softball at the high-school level, your daughter needs to start playing at a young age. Sign her up up for a city- sponsored softball or soccer team as soon as she’s old enough.  Participate as a coach on one of her teams.

 ° Enroll her in ballet, dance or dramatics program. These develop every bit as much self-discipline, risk-taking, and physical prowess as do sports. Performing successfully on stage can provide a definining experience for a young girl’s developing sense of self. (When my thirtyeen-year-old niece was chosen for the role of Clara for this year’s “Nutcracker,” she said that it was the greatest moment in her life.)

 Remember the power of example.

 ° Girls learn from the examples set by their parents even more than boys do, especially from what they see you do (as opposed to what you tell them).

 ° What example are you setting for your children, if you are a mother, in terms of your own self-respect and sense of fulfillment, especially in regard to your gender? If you’re a dad, are you prone to expecting a subtle form of favored status in your family?

 Be resilient.

° Expect frustration. Your children are also influenced by their schools, their peers, and the media they watch. You can’t take responsibility for all of their attitudes, but you can provide a clear and unchanging reference point for them, and you can always challenge the stereotyped thinking they might reflect.

 Fathers and Preadolescent Girls

             I will give some special consideration to the role of fathers here because males in general tend to be more stereotypical in their thinking than females. It’s probably because as boys we are so powerfully warned away from cross-gendered behavior. Girls and women are allowed wider gender expression. What this means is that fathers have to be especially alert that they don’t pass on their unconscious biases to their daughters. Fathers especially have to guard against treating their daughters differently than they do their sons. Without realizing it, they carry their biases into their parenting that may include the age-old cultural archetypes that boys act and achieve while girls watch and support. Use the checklist of attitudes below to see if you are harboring stereotypes that may be silently undermining your daughter’s self-confidence and sense of her self.          

 Fathers’ Bias Checklist

 ° Do you hear yourself saying, “That’s all right, honey. I’ll take care of it.”

 ° Without thinking, answer: Would you be more likely to buy your daughter a doll, a toy truck, or a set of blocks? Would it feel strange (a violation of unwritten rules) to you to buy her some action figures, say, or a tool kit?

 ° Would you be more likely to ask your daughter to wash the dishes, take out the trash, or mow the lawn? (Would you answer this differently for a son?) Would you never ask your daughter to mow the lawn? 

° Would you feel unusually bothered if your seven-year-old daughter didn’t care about how she looked (anymore than if she were a boy)? 

° Would you ask your daughter to “carry her weight” while hiking? 

° Would you automatically assemble her dollhouse or try to show her how to do it (if it were within her range of skills)? 

            These are just a few examples of how you can pursue your hidden biases. The exercise is good in simply raising questions around your attitudes and behavior that otherwise go unnoticed. You should create a frame of mind that continually questions your assumptions about your daughters’ interests or abilities. Check yourself frequently: watch yourself with your daughter, as though from a distance. A litmus test for judging your behavior with your daughter is to ask: Would I be doing this any differently if she were a boy? 

There are few circumstances, really, when a father’s behavior with his daughter should be any different than they are with his son. 

Rescuing 

            Be especially conscious not to rescue your daughter from difficulties until she truly needs your help. Ironically, fathers may have to work against their powerful instinct to protect daughters so that they do not overprotect them. In a study that had  parents help their young children to complete a puzzle, fathers, more than mothers, treated their sons differently than their daughters.[xviii] Fathers focused more on problem-solving and mastery with the boys and emphasized interaction and play with their daughters, making sure that the girls were enjoying what they were doing. The daughter’s emotional response seemed more important than their success or lack of it solving the puzzle. The fathers set higher standards for the boys and asked them questions that were more task-oriented. Their questions to their daughters had more to do with how the girls were feeling than with the task itself. And, most significantly, fathers did something for their daughters that they did not do for their sons, picking up puzzle pieces and putting them in place before the daughter had asked for help. 

            I know that these behaviors sound like those of caring dads, and they are. But in spite of their best intentions, fathers who routinely rescue their daughters give them the unintended message that they may not be capable on their own. Girls may learn to become dependent or even feel helpless, qualities that have attached themselves to the culture’s notion of the “feminine.” 

            In Chapter Seven, I talked about how important it was for girls to develop a high anxiety threshold: parents themselves have to raise their own thresholds to allow their daughters to experience the normal anxieties that accompany risk-taking and exploration. As a parent, you want your daughter to know that you will be there for her when she needs you¸ but not before.

The Significant Male 

            Fathers are more important in their daughters’ lives than they may sometimes feel. In fact, fathers should be involved in their daughters’ upbringing from early on. Studies show that fathers’ early involvement may prevent the conflict and confusion that often accompany their daughter’s adolescence. Fathers who serve as mentors to their daughters, for instance, have been shown to exert a powerful influence on their daughter’s achievement.

             What  fathers do need to know is how their participation in a culture of male-privilege may be diminishing their daughter’s sense of self-worth, and perpetuating the cultural silencing of her voice. How her father relates to her mother will tell a daughter much more about what it is to be a female in this culture than all the exhortations she hears to “be all you can be.” In Mother-Daughter Revolution, a groundbreaking work on the relationships between girls and their mothers, Elizabeth Debold of the Harvard Project and her coauthors from the Ms. Foundation explain that even very young girls can sense their mothers’ relative lack of power in relation to their fathers. They speak of six-year-old Janet, whose mostly absent father still exercises an almost absolute authority over the family. Janet’s faith in her mother’s power “is compromised,” the authors note, “as she sees that no matter how little her father has to do with daily life, he rules whenever he returns.”[xix]

              No amount of compliments can compensate a daughter who routinely sees her mother deferring to male authority or being emotionally victimized by displays of male power. When she realizes that her mother is not as powerful as her father, the authors of Mother-Daughter Revolution warn, “she experiences loss and betrayal.” And because she is also female, her loss is compounded.”[xx] A daughter must see real equality in her home, and experience genuine respect as a girl, if she is to develop a fully realized self.

 Here are some suggestions for fathers for building sound relationships with their daughters:

 Fathers and Young Daughters

 ° Listen to her very carefully. Listen with fixed attention as you would listen to an important client or your boss. Don’t feel you have to have an answer to her every concern. It is the attention that conveys your respect. 

° Get deeply involved in her life. Coach her softball or soccer team. Take her to the opera or on a backpacking trip. Read the books she reads to find out what she’s thinking about. 

° Rough-house with her as you would with a boy. Four-year-old girls are no more fragile than are four-year-old boys. Play with her as physically as you would play with a son. Toss her about, if she doesn’t mind it. Play catch with her. 

°  Don’t coddle your daughter. Let her take risks. Don’t overdramatize if she bruises herself a bit. 

° Tell her she’s special. But don’t lavish compliments on her looks at the expense of her capabilities. When you compliment her on how she looks (it’s hard to resist), balance it with a compliment on something she does. 

° Share your “male” skills with her. (You have more than you know.) Expand her courage thresholds. Think back to all the routine risk-taking and limit-pushing you and your male friends engaged in: How high? How far? How much? Try a few of these exploits with her. Make her feel comfortable taking reasonable risks and show her how to enjoy it. Pass on your male adventuring skills to her, just as you would to a son, though be sure to frame them within activities that are to her liking. 

° Do not tease your daughter about her body or her weight, no matter how innocently you mean it. 

° Love your daughter unconditionally for who she is. Don’t imply that you would love her more if she would look or act in a certain way. [xxi] 

When Your Daughter Reaches Puberty 

            Puberty represents an enormous challenge for most young people and much of your success with your adolescent daughter will depend on how much you have been involved in her life before her adolescence. Remember, this is the period when your daughter is undergoing momentous physical changes. Where boys view their growing bigger and stronger positively, girls’ views of their pubescent changes are shot through with ambivalence. Menstruation remains a cultural embarrassment for the most part, and many girls are even made to feel ashamed by it.   

             Mothers need to be forthright with their young daughter about this momentous change by preparing her for her period and making it an easy topic of discussion. They should even consider celebrating her menarche with a ritual or gift. After all, she’s become a woman: she can bear a child. Two recent books can be of special help here: 

Period, Gardner-Loulan, Lopez and Quackenbush, Volcano Press, P.O. Box 270, 1997,Volcano, California. This is a book written for girls ages eight-years-old and up which offers a down-to-earth discussion of menstruation. It includes thoughts on body image and adds quotes from real women and girls on how they feel about menstruation. There’s even a removable parent guide to help parents talk to their daughters. 

Celebrating Girls: Nurturing and Empowering Our Daughters, Virginia Beane Rutter, Conari Press, Berkeley, California, 1997. Psychologist Rutter talks at length about developing simple rituals to mark significant moments in a girl’s life, including her menarche..

 Autonomy Vs. Connection 

            Puberty is also a time dominated by a young daughter’s growing need to differentiate herself from her mother and to form her own identity. The traditional view of adolescence as a time of separation reflects a distinctly male-centered viewpoint which speaks far more to boys’ experience than to girls’ (see Chapter Five). While teenaged boys unambiguously seek greater separation from their parents, teenaged girls are conflicted by their growing need for autonomy and their equally persistent need for connection and relationship.[xxiii] Teenaged girls may experience a profound conflict as they try to negotiate the competing claims of separation from their parents while clinging to relationship – and at the same time, trying to care increasingly for themselves and their autonomy.

 Sexuality 

            Young adolescent girls are bombarded by media images of sexually- compelling females that now take on added meaning as their own bodies become sexually appealing and their own sexuality begins to stir. Almost overnight, twelve- and thirteen-year-old girls have to come to grips with conflicting cultural images of femininity which press them on the one hand to be nice and obedient while at the same time assaulting them with images of female prowess attached almost exclusively to sexual allure. Most of the images of powerful women that girls see in the media are of sexually attractive females. It isn’t surprising then that her physical appearance may become your daughter’s primary concern now, even if she has been a high-achiever. Her popularity and her ability to attract boys can easily override her former interests and may cloud her earlier exuberance and curiosity. You will have to give support to her about her appearance and her femininity while trying to keep her other interests kindled. Tell her you love her the way she looks. Keep showing unconditional love. Try to be nonjudgmental about her tastes. 

Mothers and Adolescent Daughters 

            Perhaps the most daunting task for a mother whose daughter is entering adolescence is to maintain relationship and open communication with her, while at the same time embracing her daughter’s growing need for autonomy. It’s an extraordinarily challenging task, especially when a mother has been very close to her daughter and feels threatened by her daughter’s need to distance herself. It helps to remember, though, that adolescent daughters are not seeking separation, but autonomy: they want to be themselves, but at the same time to remain connected and in relationship with their mothers. 

            Of course, it won’t always seem like they do. Adolescent girls will try out many different roles, putting them on and taking off them off like costumes. To validate her at this stage means to take these roles seriously even when they seem dubious. You have to continue to listen to her (when she will open up) with attention and respect, so that despite your unease and her sometimes inexplicable ways, an essential message keeps getting through: “I love and respect you.” 

            This is made especially difficult for mothers because both she and her daughter are caught in a crossfire of competing claims that arise from their deep connection. Daughters need to know that they are in fact different from the very person they most identify with and have used as a touchstone all their lives. Mothers can so fear the loss of their daughters’ closeness that they ignore their claims to autonomy and their daughters’ artless efforts at staking out a personality all their own. A mother can overreact and turn away, feeling defeated or even abandoned by her daughter’s efforts at differentiating herself. 

Mothers Acknowledging Difference  

            Give your daughter space to try on different roles, and to explore her full range of voice,  feelings and emotion, even the less tasteful and conventional forms. Much of a young adolescent’s more abrasive behavior is role-playing, a verbal form of dress-up, where girls want to hear how they sound, just as much as they wanted to see how they looked in your dresses a few years before.

             Girls will go to great lengths to get their mothers to acknowledge their newly minted personae, which can swing in a short period from Mother Teresa “wannabes” to Hollywood vamp to brooding romantic. Though these belong essentially to adolescent fantasy, she may take them quite seriously. Mothers have to find ways to remain in connection with their daughters throughout these costume changes, remaining a steadying still point of unfailing love and respect. 

            It isn’t easy. Young adolescent girls are ingenious at provoking responses from their mothers to their latest personality change, “cajoling, baiting, pestering” them until their mothers acknowledge who they are now.[xxv] The challenge for the mother is to acknowledge a daughter for who she is (or thinks she is) at any given moment, while keeping alive and well earlier visions of her potential (future Nobel Prize winner, prima donna ballerina).[xxvi] 

Fathers and Adolescent Daughters 

 

            A father can play a significant role in the life of an adolescent daughter, especially as she tries to form an identity apart from her mother. Studies show that the quality of her relationship with her father can permanently affect a young woman’s capacity to form a mutually loving and fulfilling relationship in later life.[xxvii] It’s been found that when fathers are not emotionally available to their daughters during this precarious time, young women may have difficulties later on in developing relationships. 

            Most important, a father must guard against any unconscious withdrawal from her as adolescence changes his “little girl” into a more complex, more emotionally puzzling, sexual being. He can be a valuable ally during these difficult years, especially if he has given ample time to her throughout her childhood and has developed a close and supportive relationship. The father’s approval and respect can be especially significant at a time when his adolescent daughter’s relationship to boys becomes paramount. His continuing love and support can form a steady counterpoint to adolescent tumult as a daughter explores her boundaries and tries to find out who she is, now that she is no longer her parents’  “little girl.” 

Dealing with Her Sexuality 

             It is not uncommon for fathers to become confused and ambivalent when their daughter begins to develop sexually. Intimate physical contact that a father has been used to and comfortable with now become charged in ways that he may find embarrassing, or confusing, or even threatening. When some fathers experience their growing daughter’s sexuality, they become confused and even withdraw. The daughter, misinterpreting his ambivalence, may blame herself for the father’s increasing coldness. Studies show that fathers who have been intimately involved in their daughter’s upbringing from early on are less likely to feel confused by their daughter’s developing sexuality.[xxviii] In her practical and inspiring book, How to Father a Successful Daughter, Nicky Marone has some especially helpful suggestions for fathers dealing with their adolescent daughters’ emerging sexuality (see “Recommended Reading for Parents” in Sources and Resources.).

 Tips for Fathers 

     Here are a few suggestions for fathers to help them manage the complex and often difficult challenges that may attend their daughter’s blossoming adolescence: 

Tell her you love and respect her.  You can’t demonstrate this enough. Try to give your adolescent daughter at least one hug a day. What she needs most, despite her frequent outbursts of wanting to be alone, is the certain knowledge of your love and respect. Showing your love, especially to a young adolescent, is ususally more effective than simply talking about it. 

Be careful about giving advice to your older adolescent daughter. Wait until she asks for your advice, and be prepared for her not taking it. She must learn to arrive at her own decisions, even if they are the wrong ones. 

Openly renounce male privilege. Every father of a daughter has to come to terms with his inherited privilege of growing up male in our culture.[xxix] 

° Acknowledge to your daughter and wife that you realize that we still live in a sexist society (though things are improving) and that, as a male, you are benefitted by it. 

° Persuade them that you will do everything you can to move beyond your privileged status. 

° Ask them for their help. Enlist their support in pointing out when you’re taking over a conversation or assuming the role of decision-maker without consulting them. 

° Acknowledge male violence as an instrument of cultural control, enforcing female compliance. Perhaps join a movement to stop violence against women. 

     ° Don’t use pornography. Don’t support it. Many women in the pornography industry have been sexually abused.  Remind yourself that the woman on the video or in the magazine is some father’s daughter, with dreams that may not be all that different from the dreams you have for your own daugher